This is stunning writing. There was a period of about 10 years where I just retreated into myself, total loner. The Lonely City and your line "If you have ever been a lonely child, part of you stays her forever" hit like a sledgehammer. I think learning to make friends is a lot like learning a language--there is a period of time where we are primed to acquire those skills. If the period is missed, you can still learn how to do it but you will never be as fluent as a "native speaker." Thank you, Eleanor, for this powerful work
This was beautifully written. Sometimes I think I’m just meant to be alone—maybe I’m not cut out for friendships or relationships at all. But who knows? Maybe I’ll eventually find “my people”
i deeply resonated with the contrast between how you get to see your friends in their rawest states vs at impersonal third spaces. i can even argue that being perceived on the context of the latter creates a sort of ambivalence - you get to envelop yourself in a guarded bubble of the persona you want to project, but said bubble prevents you from really making any sort of real connection, furthering that loneliness even more.
just wanted to share a thought that popped up as i read this lovely piece. :)
I’m so glad it’s not just me who notices this! It’s so true about the “bubble” - it also makes it harder to form new friendships of equal strength to the ones you make at school and uni I think :(
that’s the hardest part i fear. i love my postgrad friends but they’ll never be as strong as the ones i developed in uni, no matter how hard i try, because we always end up just hanging out in these third spaces and—it sucks. anyway, here’s a piece i wrote about just catching up with people sooo sooo related to that https://open.substack.com/pub/irepos/p/the-three-hour-brunch-friend?r=g7e8s&utm_medium=ios
This is a lovely essay, Eleanor. And gosh do I relate... The influence from being lonely as a child really does stay with you as if itself is your childhood best friend. It's both frustrating and comfortable to dwell within in it—a weird dichotomy for sure.
the growing pains of "everyone’s borders are hardening" and "I am no longer new to the world; if this were a coming-of-age film, the credits would be rolling by now" -- beautiful writing thank you
This is so relatable, I loved reading it! It feels so peculiar being in that shift in your friendships. I'm 23, about to finish my postgraduate degree but i already feel a bit out of place with friendships as everyone's on such different paths. It's comforting to know this is perhaps a more universal feeling than I thought it was
I actually am stunned by the fact that you looked inside my heart and my past and somehow made sense of it enough to write it back to me. The countless times I’ve heard “but you DO have friends” and have been at a loss of words to explain that wound is just wow. And now I have the words for it!! This feels almost too real.. after convincing myself no one else would feel the same, to see you share the intimacies of my struggles is so validating.
What an honest and immersive write-up. I feel totally reaffirmed about my own experience with friendships, loneliness and self-isolation as an adolescent — thank you!
Sitting on my own on a public library lawn for hours reading a book is not the way I want to spend my Saturday night, but it’s what usually ends up happening! I love my community of writer friends, and have so many other wonderful friends, and have no doubts about our bonds — but we’re adults. Our schedules clash. Our friendships won’t diminish if we can’t see each other as frequently as we’d like. Still, it gets lonely …
i thoroughly enjoyed reading this, such a great piece! the parts about being a lonely child and formalities in adult relationships is so true honestly you did so well putting the feelings and ideas into words. i especially love the quote “...ceasing to exist in any
meaningful sense because no-one was looking at me.”
Thank you for being so vulnerable. I had writing in my drafts but felt like it might be too personal, and reading this made me feel brave enough to share it. I relate so much, especially to the relationship to the internet in your teens and the feeling of wanting to bury yourself in "delicious time in the computer". I feel bad about it now, how much time I spent buried in YouTube and fanfiction.net, but it was such a safe space to be lonely amongst traces of people. It's so true that a part of us stays that lonely kid forever, and it's shocking how much I've justified moments in my life in that precise way: "There IS something wrong with me!".
I do remember The Lonely City being a pretty striking reading, able to verbalise a lot of unsaid but known bits of knowledge. Your point that it's hard to write about being lonely compared to other traumas is reinforced by Laing's observation there's this general tendency for people to blame lonely people for their own isolation, an unconscious almost instinctual response to assume someone alone has been prejudged and you needn't waste your time making your own judgments; which people know and makes it hard for them to write honestly about the subject like you have.
I gasped at least three times reading this, in shock that my personal difficulty with friendships isn’t an isolated experience. Thank you for your vulnerability!
I just graduated college and you articulated exactly how I feel! This is so, so good! I was such a shy kid, so I didn't really have close friends. I have a hard time believing that anything has changed - even though I know it has.
This is stunning writing. There was a period of about 10 years where I just retreated into myself, total loner. The Lonely City and your line "If you have ever been a lonely child, part of you stays her forever" hit like a sledgehammer. I think learning to make friends is a lot like learning a language--there is a period of time where we are primed to acquire those skills. If the period is missed, you can still learn how to do it but you will never be as fluent as a "native speaker." Thank you, Eleanor, for this powerful work
screenshotted this comment because I know I’ll want to read it again to encourage me to write more! thank you will ❤️
Thank you!!
This was beautifully written. Sometimes I think I’m just meant to be alone—maybe I’m not cut out for friendships or relationships at all. But who knows? Maybe I’ll eventually find “my people”
💗solidarity!
i deeply resonated with the contrast between how you get to see your friends in their rawest states vs at impersonal third spaces. i can even argue that being perceived on the context of the latter creates a sort of ambivalence - you get to envelop yourself in a guarded bubble of the persona you want to project, but said bubble prevents you from really making any sort of real connection, furthering that loneliness even more.
just wanted to share a thought that popped up as i read this lovely piece. :)
I’m so glad it’s not just me who notices this! It’s so true about the “bubble” - it also makes it harder to form new friendships of equal strength to the ones you make at school and uni I think :(
that’s the hardest part i fear. i love my postgrad friends but they’ll never be as strong as the ones i developed in uni, no matter how hard i try, because we always end up just hanging out in these third spaces and—it sucks. anyway, here’s a piece i wrote about just catching up with people sooo sooo related to that https://open.substack.com/pub/irepos/p/the-three-hour-brunch-friend?r=g7e8s&utm_medium=ios
This is a lovely essay, Eleanor. And gosh do I relate... The influence from being lonely as a child really does stay with you as if itself is your childhood best friend. It's both frustrating and comfortable to dwell within in it—a weird dichotomy for sure.
💗💗💗 thank you !!
^_^
the growing pains of "everyone’s borders are hardening" and "I am no longer new to the world; if this were a coming-of-age film, the credits would be rolling by now" -- beautiful writing thank you
This is so relatable, I loved reading it! It feels so peculiar being in that shift in your friendships. I'm 23, about to finish my postgraduate degree but i already feel a bit out of place with friendships as everyone's on such different paths. It's comforting to know this is perhaps a more universal feeling than I thought it was
good luck with finishing your degree! I know, it’s a rough transition to make for everyone I think 💗
I actually am stunned by the fact that you looked inside my heart and my past and somehow made sense of it enough to write it back to me. The countless times I’ve heard “but you DO have friends” and have been at a loss of words to explain that wound is just wow. And now I have the words for it!! This feels almost too real.. after convincing myself no one else would feel the same, to see you share the intimacies of my struggles is so validating.
What an honest and immersive write-up. I feel totally reaffirmed about my own experience with friendships, loneliness and self-isolation as an adolescent — thank you!
Sitting on my own on a public library lawn for hours reading a book is not the way I want to spend my Saturday night, but it’s what usually ends up happening! I love my community of writer friends, and have so many other wonderful friends, and have no doubts about our bonds — but we’re adults. Our schedules clash. Our friendships won’t diminish if we can’t see each other as frequently as we’d like. Still, it gets lonely …
i thoroughly enjoyed reading this, such a great piece! the parts about being a lonely child and formalities in adult relationships is so true honestly you did so well putting the feelings and ideas into words. i especially love the quote “...ceasing to exist in any
meaningful sense because no-one was looking at me.”
thank you so so much 🥰🥰
Thank you for being so vulnerable. I had writing in my drafts but felt like it might be too personal, and reading this made me feel brave enough to share it. I relate so much, especially to the relationship to the internet in your teens and the feeling of wanting to bury yourself in "delicious time in the computer". I feel bad about it now, how much time I spent buried in YouTube and fanfiction.net, but it was such a safe space to be lonely amongst traces of people. It's so true that a part of us stays that lonely kid forever, and it's shocking how much I've justified moments in my life in that precise way: "There IS something wrong with me!".
Thank you x
This was really lovely - from one lonely child to another :) x
I do remember The Lonely City being a pretty striking reading, able to verbalise a lot of unsaid but known bits of knowledge. Your point that it's hard to write about being lonely compared to other traumas is reinforced by Laing's observation there's this general tendency for people to blame lonely people for their own isolation, an unconscious almost instinctual response to assume someone alone has been prejudged and you needn't waste your time making your own judgments; which people know and makes it hard for them to write honestly about the subject like you have.
very true!!
One of the most realistic pieces I’ve gorged in a while🥹🥰
thank you 💓💓
I gasped at least three times reading this, in shock that my personal difficulty with friendships isn’t an isolated experience. Thank you for your vulnerability!
this was so lovely to read - thank you xx
This was so reassuring & lovely to read 💗
I’m so glad to hear !! xx
I just graduated college and you articulated exactly how I feel! This is so, so good! I was such a shy kid, so I didn't really have close friends. I have a hard time believing that anything has changed - even though I know it has.
💗 thank you so much!